What you say. . . what you mean. . .

It's a final round of parent teacher conferences tonight. I've been telling my students all week that if they come with their parents I will give them a treat, and that I promise I won't say anything mean about them in public.

Of course, what they don't know is that I am also a master of euphemism. Here are some of my favorite things to say, and hear at conferences along with their "translations":

1. Your child is very social! They have so many friends.
(Your child never shuts up. No, seriously.)

2. Everyone in class really seems to enjoy your student.
(Everyone in class knows who your student is because they are so "social".)

3. Your student really adds something to our class. When he/she is not there, we notice a difference.
(I know that God loves me extra on the days when your kid doesn't come.)

4. Your child is very unique.
(Your kid is "special" - like, "don't eat the paste or put hand sanetizer into the pencil sharpener" special.)

5. Your student is very active.
(By the time they leave class, their desk is about three feet away from where it should be.)

6. Your child has a special kind of . . . extra sense about them. . .
(Buy your kid some deoderant please?)

MLIA

At the beginning of the year I went down hard on cell phones. I really hate them. I don't understand why thirteen year olds have need of them. The number of iPhones and Blackberries I've seen in the possession of 7th graders makes me feel a bit sick. So I threatened with pain of death the person who would dare bring such an offensive electronic within my line of sight.

And, to my credit, I am an expert phone catcher. I have an ear for it. If it vibrates, I'll take it.

Until now, apparently.

Today during work time I was back at my desk working on the lesson for Monday. Everything was going just swimmingly until I realized the entire class was laughing.

Now, I play an 80s music station on Pandora every now and then that will pop up with songs I have to be aware enough to skip in hope that they aren't listening too closely to lyrics. They usually aren't. Thinking I hadn't been paying enough attention to the song, I turned around and said ". . . was it the lyrics?"

More laughter.

". . . so what is it?"

Boy in the back raises his hand:

". . . someone's phone just went off. It was really loud."

". . . really?"

Entire class: "It was sooooo loud! And you didn't even turn around!"

Go figure.

MLIA.