An Alligator is a Very Large Insect

Back from the dead

2010-08-26T14:25:00.002-06:00

It's been a while!

I didn't blog about the end of the school year because I was cast as the lead in a play. It was exciting. It was wonderful. It was a dream come true. It took over my non-teaching life, and here we are at the end of August and I've got the school year started again and a whole new crop of kids to work with.

Changes:

Location: I am no longer at my previous school of joy, I am now at another school of joy. This school does not involve portables. In fact, I have a lovely room with a delightful view and many windows.

Age: I am older. I am also teaching an older range of students. I am not sure if this will promote more or less entertainment, but I am sure that there will still be lots to write about.

Subjects: I am now teaching more than just English - I am also teaching Drama and Film. It is very exciting.

Yay for changes. Yay for opportunities. Yay for being employed in a world that is not so happy for finding a job as a teacher.

So. In the first three days of school, the following has happened in my classes:

I have proven that teachers really can make their students do whatever they want by forcing a Drama class into pretending to be jungle animals for nearly ten minutes while playing "The Lion King" through my computer. Several students ended up "killing" their classmates. One student asked what he should do since his animal had no natural predators. I sincerely hope that my students don't go home today and say that they killed people at school.
I have a student who hates his first name but will not offer any suggestions for improvement. I have offered many other more exotic suggestions, none of which seems satisfactory either. Other suggestions have included Pierre, Gaston, Lumiere, Stefon, Gale, and Chuck.

The Seer

2010-03-12T15:23:00.002-07:00

I laugh sometimes at the ridiculous things students do for attention. I recognize, in all seriousness, that many of these students are not getting the attention they so desperately need, but sometimes I just wonder. One particular student I have has, in the last month, done the following:

Burst into tears over simple assignments that don't have a right or wrong answer, they're just asking for opinions (explanation: "I'm just so tired!")
Worn an ace bandage over a pair of jeans. When asked why the bandage was being worn, I was told that it was for a bruise. (?!) Next day the bandage was on again. Same leg, different location. By afternoon when said student comes to my class, the bandage had switched legs. (Snort.)
Wrote the following: "I see the future in my dreams. It makes it easier for me to know where I should and shouldn't go." (Seeing the future, eh? Seriously? Hook me up with that sort of gift. Might come in handy.)

Yes. This student is a special sort of soul whom I occasionally ache for and mostly just try not to laugh at. Poor thing.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I was accused of being a ninth grader this week after a performance of the school play I helped to direct. I read the opening announcements for the show - things about not getting into the aisles or taking pictures or being annoying. After the show, a very kind woman pulled me aside and said in the "I'm talking to a very young, naive child who just went to the potty by herself" voice that I hate so much: "You did such a good job reading the announcements!"

"Thank you," I said with a pleasant smile that hopefully masked my annoyance. "Did you enjoy the show?"

"Oh yes. Were you in it too?"

"No, I directed it."

"Oh! Are you in ninth grade?"

"No. I'm a teacher."

I recognize that I look several years younger than I am, but that's knocking nearly ten years off of my age. No wonder I'm rarely taken seriously unless I'm overly assertive.

Last anecdote:

A few of my girls were talking this week about how they are betrothed. I'm assuming it was a joke, but I didn't hear the whole conversation. I do, however, clearly remember hearing "You're betrothed too?! We're like sisters!"

Perception of Age

2010-03-03T22:23:00.003-07:00

I was grading through some vocabulary review worksheets tonight when I came across a drawing that made me laugh. The assignment was for students to draw pictures that would help remind them of the definitions of their vocabulary words. One of our words was 'reminisce'. This led to some pretty amazing pictures.

I remember going to Europe for the first time and laughing at their perception of age. Go to England, for example, and "new" is anything built after about 1700. Nearly 100 years before America was a country. In America, old is anything from around World War Two and back, or at least that's been my experience. My students are much less aware of this.

One student drew a picture of a bearded, shrively stick figure man imagining a party and saying "I remember when I was a boy. . . " The sign said "Happy 1980".

Yeesh.

Kule.

2010-02-20T00:46:00.004-07:00

Found a note in my trash on the way out the door today. Feeling the desire for a bit of early teen-aged gossip (most notes are between girls demanding advice on who they should start to like), I glanced over it. In said note, one girl complained to another that her class was boring. Student in my class said that she should add my class instead. Other student response? "I wish! Miss _______ is sooooo Kule, with a K!!"

I'm not really sure what that means, exactly, but I'm assuming it is some kind of ultra powered cool. And not that I want my entire reputation as a teacher to be based solely on whether or not my class is pure entertainment, this gave me quite the ego boost as it means I've finally accomplished something I always wanted for some strange reason when I was an early teen: to be called cool by other early teens. Only took me a decade to get there, but still. . .

Score.

What you say. . . what you mean. . .

2010-02-18T16:13:00.002-07:00

It's a final round of parent teacher conferences tonight. I've been telling my students all week that if they come with their parents I will give them a treat, and that I promise I won't say anything mean about them in public.

Of course, what they don't know is that I am also a master of euphemism. Here are some of my favorite things to say, and hear at conferences along with their "translations":

1. Your child is very social! They have so many friends.
(Your child never shuts up. No, seriously.)

2. Everyone in class really seems to enjoy your student.
(Everyone in class knows who your student is because they are so "social".)

3. Your student really adds something to our class. When he/she is not there, we notice a difference.
(I know that God loves me extra on the days when your kid doesn't come.)

4. Your child is very unique.
(Your kid is "special" - like, "don't eat the paste or put hand sanetizer into the pencil sharpener" special.)

5. Your student is very active.
(By the time they leave class, their desk is about three feet away from where it should be.)

6. Your child has a special kind of . . . extra sense about them. . .
(Buy your kid some deoderant please?)

I HATE ENGLISH!!

2010-02-03T18:33:00.003-07:00

I don't normally make a big fuss when I see notes being passed in class. So long as they are passed between people sitting near each other and it doesn't stop them from participating, it's not a big deal. I reserve the right to take whatever I see, and as long as the passing isn't distracting to other students, then it's not a problem.

Today, one of these notes was left behind on the desk of a female student in one of my classes. Naturally, I picked it up. It read something like this:

"Hey ___________! I just wanted to write you a note. K. Bye!"

"Thanx - soooo bored. I hate English!"

"I know! I HATE IT!!!"

And so on.

Now, I'm not personally offended by this. Anyone who has had the pleasure of interacting with twelve year olds knows that their affections change in a minute and their sense of hyperbole is amazing, even if they don't know what the word itself means. So I'm not really personally offended by the letter. It wasn't the most exciting class. They're entitled to be bored. Plus, unless I'm a really awful judge of character, I know that at least one of these two note-writing fiends almost always likes class. The other one is a little more difficult to read, being of the more quiet variety, but I'm not inclined to think that 'the other one' is always hating class either. At least not all caps and several exclamation marks worth of hate.

But I can't just let it go. The opportunity is too choice.

So tomorrow, these two students will receive a little note of their own from me that will read something along the lines of:

Dear _____________,

If you choose to write mean notes in class, please be kind enough to recycle them before you leave. I don't like cleaning up after you.

Love,

Boring English Teacher

Ahh. . . the passive aggressive punishment. . .

P.S. I have Robin Hood

2010-01-22T21:01:00.004-07:00

Never tell your students about your dating life.

I made the mistake of telling my students that I was being set up on (yet another) blind date last weekend. So naturally, the next day we had school, someone asked how it went.

"Well," I said. "I didn't actually end up getting to go. The person I was being set up with ended up having eye surgery last weekend, so he was actually blind. Kind of funny, right? Ok, so moving on with our announcements. . . "

And so went the day. I didn't hear anything else about it.

Until we did a letter writing activity meant to help students improve on some figurative writing techniques. The assignment? Write either a love letter or break up letter. This is a portion of what I read:

Dear Whoever Grandpa Set Me Up With,

. . . You love me like flowers need rain, you love me like I need chocolate, you need me like I need Harry Potter. Wait. What was that? You don't love me? . . . Your fra-gee-lay little world will be struck with dynamite. And your little eye surgery is a plane on fire. You thought you could get out of our blind date. Humph. I shun you.

P.S. I don't need you. I have Robin Hood.

The "response":

Dear Miss ____________,

. . . I think it will take me five years to get over you just like another guy did. You were the love of my life, but now. . . you are like a frightened animal who doesn't want to come near me.

Now. . . there are many times in class when I'm fairly sure that whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other but suddenly my quirks or odd sayings or ridiculous personal stories have come back. These kids are all very invested in my personal life. Probably more invested than I am at the moment.

Just goes to show: when you don't want them to listen and remember they're all ears, when you want them to pay attention they're off in space. Maybe I should find a way to couch assignments into embarrassing personal disclosures. Like: "I went on a date a few years ago where we did __________, just like I would like you to do in class today. Now, this assignment needs to be two pages long - the same number of hours as the movie we watched. . . "

MLIA

2010-01-22T20:53:00.003-07:00

At the beginning of the year I went down hard on cell phones. I really hate them. I don't understand why thirteen year olds have need of them. The number of iPhones and Blackberries I've seen in the possession of 7th graders makes me feel a bit sick. So I threatened with pain of death the person who would dare bring such an offensive electronic within my line of sight.

And, to my credit, I am an expert phone catcher. I have an ear for it. If it vibrates, I'll take it.

Until now, apparently.

Today during work time I was back at my desk working on the lesson for Monday. Everything was going just swimmingly until I realized the entire class was laughing.

Now, I play an 80s music station on Pandora every now and then that will pop up with songs I have to be aware enough to skip in hope that they aren't listening too closely to lyrics. They usually aren't. Thinking I hadn't been paying enough attention to the song, I turned around and said ". . . was it the lyrics?"

More laughter.

". . . so what is it?"

Boy in the back raises his hand:

". . . someone's phone just went off. It was really loud."

". . . really?"

Entire class: "It was sooooo loud! And you didn't even turn around!"

Go figure.

MLIA.

We love you Conrad, oh yes we doooo. . .

2009-11-04T22:48:00.002-07:00

Something very strange happened during my sixth period today. This class is admittedly very social, but for some reason nearly all of the boys were in their desks and working when the bell rang, and large chunks of girls filtered in giggling and squealing and being altogether too hormonal all at once. More than was strictly necessary at least.

Students were working well enough on their bellwork, though, until I made the mistake of saying the word "library". This was about the point when twenty-odd girls all squealed like mad. Deafeningly so.

Me: "Ok, what is going on?!"

Girls (in unison): "REALLY HOTT DISNEY STAR IS HERE!"

Me: ". . . who?"

Girls (in unison): "REALLY HOTT DISNEY STAR IS IN OUR LIBRARY RIGHT NOW! CAN WE PLEASE GO AND SEE HIM?!"

Me: (unsympathetically): "No."

This precipitated a deluge of bribes and pleads, including promises of chocolate (tempting), money (illegal?), 'but he's my future husband!' claims (unlikely - he's probably closer to my age than theirs!), and (my favorite) - the 'But I'll DIE if I don't go!' (I'd like to see it.)

To make things worse for these poor hormonally charged wee-women, I showed no mercy. I closed the blinds so that they could not see out of the windows. I drew a "picture" on the board of said Disney star so that they could have "no excuse" for wanting to go, since he was already here. I would occasionally look out of the blinds and say "Oh look I think I see- oops. Not him."

So while they didn't get as much work done as they perhaps should have. . . I had all kinds of fun toying with them.

Is that wrong?

I told you so. . .

2009-10-30T06:46:00.002-06:00

I told my students at the beginning of the year that I could beat them collectively in anything involving Harry Potter trivia and that they could try and come up with a question I can't answer about the series, but that I doubted they could do it since I've never lost a game of Harry Potter trivia and don't intend to start.

A few of them have taken me up on the offer, but mostly with off the cuff kinds of questions that most people who've read the books in the class would also remember. Until yesterday when a student in my last class came up to me after obviously putting in at least a little more thought as to what might stump me:

Student: "You know how you said that you'd be able to answer any Harry Potter question? Well, I think I have one that you won't know the answer to."

Me: "Go ahead."

Student: "What is Harry's vault number in the bank?"

Me: "713."

Student: "Dang it."

Rules for Survival

2009-10-06T09:49:00.002-06:00

I had my students make a list of "Rules for Survival" recently. They could pick whatever topic they felt expert in - a sport, sharing a bathroom, getting through the halls, or (as two students picked): Women.

Their advice is surprisingly mature. I think you will appreciate the combined list I made:

Show respect
Be nice to them
Avoid eye contact
Pretend to care
Don't let them get on the phone
Compliment their legs
While they're talking, nod but don't listen.

Amazing.

Parent Letter

2009-09-23T21:56:00.003-06:00

The season of Parent/Teacher conferences is upon us. I will get the pleasure of sitting at a table for five wonderful hours AFTER a full day of teaching tomorrow night. They're feeding us "dinner" for about fifteen minutes before hand starting around 2:45 and ending at 3:00. I would be infinitely more excited about this if I could get over that large number FIVE that keeps dangling in front of the word HOURS in my brain.

To help prepare for said conferences, I had my students write letters to their parent/guardian/loved ones/etc. today in class. These letters were modeled in a way that forced them to follow a certain pattern of "this is the grade I got, this is why I deserve it, I do this well in class, and I need to improve this in class" kind of thing, so that when I kindly tell a parent/guardian/loved one etc. that their charge needs to shut up, it can come from the student first and me second. Genius.

I scanned over them as I entered points into the gradebook tonight. Most of them are standard and predictable and spot on. Some of them are spot on in the most ironic way ever. Quotage:

"Three things that I do well in class are writing, reading, and talking." (This student isn't kidding about the 'good at talking' thing.)

"Dad says that if I get all A's throughout the whole year he will buy me an iTouch but this is midterm so it doesn't count so instead we should go and get ice cream on midterms." (I want ice cream! Also an iTouch. Will he buy me one too? - also, it surprises me HOW MANY of my students are bribed for good grades. I wasn't ever bribed for good grades. Damn my stupid self motivation.)

"I need to improv in this class by not taking out of turn and. . . my spelling a lot." (Only a small sampling of an error-filled letter. Yes. Spelling is a good place to start, my dear.)

"I feel I deserve (my grade) because I have been working hard to become the teachers Pet." (Snort. See? Brutal honesty.)

My favorite, though, was from a student who flat out refuses to work in my class. Obviously, judging by the state of said student's letter, they are not altogether impressed with me either:

"I didn't listen to the teacher and this class sucks. Its to hard and I want to change classes so I dont get any low grades." (My thoughts? Sweetheart, you don't get good grades in ANY class no matter how hard it is if you don't at least attempt to do something.)

"Three things I do well in class are play around and do some of my work and just sit there. I can improve by doing nothing." (Again with the brutal honesty. I kind of wonder what will happen if said student's mother shows up tomorrow. . . )

Ah well, can't win them all. Fortunately I have no desire to acquire early teen-aged friends at the moment.

I'm going to need more detail with that.

2009-08-27T21:54:00.002-06:00

We're working on a project to help students with the basic elements of fiction right now. I'd completely forgotten that this kind of thing was ever necessary in school. You mean there was a time that someone had to explain to me what the word "plot" meant? Crazy.

To help get all the elements down, we're having students come up with the story of a superhero, a villain, and the conflict between them. Today was superhero day. Some of my students went to town, coming up with all sorts of crazy superhero power ideas from the conventional ("Can I have EVERY superhero power?!"/"Yes. As long as you have a weakness.") to the insane ("My power is that I can whistle and then boys come flying toward me!")

So ultra-annoyed-and-talks-too-much-student comes up to me to check off his super hero. Very defiantly, said student has decided to try and sabotage my project by coming up with a lame idea so that I can get mad and justify a reaction. Super power? Bending knees. I read through it and very kindly (and obnoxiously) said "I've never thought about that being a super power before. I think that's very creative. Now I'm going to need more detail from you in these two boxes. . . "

Student looked at me like I'd just pulled a rug out. It was pretty fantastic. Ultra-annoying student? 0. Me? 1.

Student Surveys

2009-08-22T21:59:00.002-06:00

This weekend I have spent a bit of time entering grades on the first couple of assignments my students have had. Easy grading since I'm not reading much of it. It's all about participation points!

I will say, though, that the student surveys my classes have filled out have given me any number of things to laugh about at the moment. The seventh grade set may be deficient in many ways in terms of maturity and behavior but when they write they are often shamelessly blunt and I love them for it. Consider the following:

Question: What sort of qualities do you think a good teacher should have?

Answers:

Teaching qualities.
Pactence (Patience, I'm assuming.)
"I think they should be nice and loud."

Question: Why would being able to read and write be important to you throughout your life?

Answer: "cause if your driving and you cant read the stop sign that would stink"

Answer: "so your not dumb"

Answer: "To write checks."

Question: What do you think makes someone a good reader? (What do good readers do?)

Answer: read Hairy Potter (A clever pun? Or honest spelling mistake?)

"My favorite movie is Titanic because it's sad and intrataning"

"One thing I do well as a writer is try to make it instistring."

"I wish I could read books about blood."

Question: When I have to read I: _____

Answer: Read. (Hilarious. And true.)

Some answers kind of make me go "wait. . . what?!" For example:

Question: What have you disliked about previous English classes:

Answer: "Saying it"

"With my friends, I like to take, _____________" (there wasn't anything listed after the "take")

Or:

"My favorite movie is Twilight because its romantic in ways that I can say."

Their spelling, too, is entertaining, and adds further proof to the point that English is far from the most intuitive language in terms of spelling. Because for all their mistakes, these kids are incredibly intuitive in how they spell things, even when they are wrong:

Scients
Perswasive
noligabul

Really, though, I love how wonderfully blunt and unintentionally funny these kids are. Several of them owned up to being paid for good grades. One said that she gives her report card to her parents and then runs. One said that the best thing he does as a writer is gives an example of bad writing. Another that they do well as writers because they "read the fix", whatever that means.

Miss, what if. . . ?

2009-08-21T22:14:00.004-06:00

I have made a new rule in my classroom that should (hopefully) help dispel a good deal of unnecessary storytelling and problem making over the next year.

You are not allowed to say anything that begins with 'what if.' An excellent gem of a tip from another teacher in the department. I'm in love with it. My other favorite is used when a student says something inappropriate: " (name) you have exactly thirty seconds to come up with a better way to say what you just said." Fantastic.

Lastly, here is my tip for teachers of the younger crowd of teenagers. Prepare not only for a group of avid storytellers, but also a group of expert non-sequitorians.

Yesterday I was cleaning my board between classes while being followed by a gaggle of students who have taken to me like ducklings. We were having a nice little conversation about the first day of school when one student looks up at me and says "yeah, my grandpa died last night," and then continued on with the rest of his story.

"Did he really?"

"Yep. So anyway. . . "

I wasn't sure whether to laugh at his nonchalance or wonder if he was lying. . .

It was a day.

2009-08-19T16:11:00.003-06:00

1. I tripped down the ramp to my classroom once, but no one was looking.
2. In said tripping, I did not rip my new nylons (PHEW.)
3. I successfully called the kid in the back corner of my second period by the wrong name at least three times. He was kind enough to remind me of the error.
4. I did not lose any students in any of my three "locker opening practice" sessions, nor did I get yelled at by any other teachers because my students weren't that loud.
5. My powerpoint presentation worked, and my computer was not stolen. Also, some students were kind enough to laugh at my feeble jokes about wanting to marry Peter Pan.
6. For every student who stared at me like I was Professor Binns, there was at least one who made an attempt to look as though reading a Disclosure Document was entertaining and worth paying attention to.
7. I did not fall asleep on my feet.
8. I remembered to take attendance.
9. I remembered to lock my door when I left my room.
10. I still have my voice. Mostly.

All in all, I'd say it was a day. Not good or bad, just a day. All that can really be said of it right now comes in the form of a few quotes all from, you guessed it, Anne of Avonlea:

"When Anne reached the school that morning. . .for the first time in her
life she had traversed the Birch Path deaf and blind to its beauties. . .all was
quiet and still. The preceding teacher had trained the children to be in their
places at her arrival, and when Anne entered the schoolroom she was confronted
by prim rows of "shining morning faces" and bright, inquisitive eyes. She hung
up her hat and faced her pupils, hoping that she did not look as frightened and
foolish as she felt and that they would not perceive how she was trembling.

She had sat up until nearly twelve the preceding night composing a speech
she meant to make to her pupils upon opening the school. She had revised and
improved it painstakingly, and then she had learned it off by heart. It was a
very good speech and had some very fine ideas in it, especially about mutual
help and earnest striving after knowledge. The only trouble was that she could
not now remember a word of it."
*****

"When school was dismissed and the children had gone Anne dropped wearily
into her chair. Her head ached and she felt woefully discouraged. There was no
real reason for discouragement, since nothing very dreadful had occurred; but
Anne was very tired and inclined to believe that she would never learn to like
teaching. And how terrible it would be to be doing something you didn't like
every day for. . .well, say forty years."
*****

"Well, how did you get along?" Marilla wanted to know.

"Ask me that a month later and I may be able to tell you. I can't now .
. .I don't know myself. . .I'm too near it. My thoughts feel as if they had been
all stirred up until they were thick and muddy. The only thing I feel really
sure of having accomplished today is that I taught Cliffie Wright that A is A.
He never knew it before. Isn't it something to have started a soul along a path
that may end in Shakespeare and Paradise Lost?"

My Little Buttercup

2009-08-18T16:24:00.002-06:00

My "To-Do" list is astronomical. I think it could go around the world several times and I haven't even had my first day yet. (Yet being the operative word, it is fast aproaching.) And after several meetings today (including one where I met the parent of a student who has several physical and emotional problems not least of which is pathological lying) and hours in front of a computer (and miles to go before I sleep), I was starting to fall under.

And then the Pandora box of love and goodness opened and I received a gift from the powers that be. Out of no where: My Little Buttercup randomly appeared on a playlist and five minutes later after I'd nearly wet myself and practically had tears running down my face from laughter, I pulled out of stress.

I can totally do this. If The Three Amigos can go and save an entire village from the wiles of El Guapo with a song and dance, then certainly I can rescue young immature minds with a bit of tomfoolery, right?!

So, Steve Martin and Martin Short, this one's for you.

What the? How long has that been there?

2009-08-14T20:38:00.002-06:00

My room is ready. It is READY! It is open for business and acceptable for student use now. Or rather, it will be as soon as textbooks are in and I have a new transparency projector that doesn't have a little fluttering thing inside it that makes weird images on the screen and a cart for it and after I've taken the trash out, but other than THAT, it's all ready.

Also I need a phone.

I did find two very interesting things in the process of finally hanging my bullitan board and putting things into storage spaces instead of keeping them on my student desks.

A bit of snake skin.
Four human teeth.

I'm not joking.

It's a good thing I was a gymnast in another life. . .

2009-08-13T19:15:00.005-06:00

I got to school today a little later than normal, mainly because after about six hours of meetings the day before I felt I deserved to sleep in at least an hour. When I walked across the grass toward my Port-ah-bluh, I saw caution tape surrounding the ramp leading to my door and a man standing guard outside it.

Me: "Hi - uh. . . can I get in?"

Man: "Nope. Not until Monday."
Me: . . . "ok. . . "

Man: "Sorry."

So I shuffled into the main part of the school, where I hid out for about five minutes before returning. The man was gone. Limber beast that I am, I heaved myself up and over the ramp and went in to get work done. It all felt so illegal and irresponsible. I kind of wanted there to be someone to yell at me and run after me to try and stop me all while I locked myself in the classroom while they contemplated the cement outside the door, trying to figure out how to get in to reprimand me but not bypass the caution tape. In my mind, this person also looks a lot like Dwight in his volunteer Sheriff's Deputy uniform.

I repeated this process approximately three times, once, I might add, in front of a mother and her son who may be in one of my classes judging by the pointing they were doing in my direction.

Or maybe they were just pointing at me.

Let it never be said that I am afraid to make an idiot of myself in front of the school.

Set Up

2009-08-12T21:10:00.004-06:00

I arrived in my classroom for the first time about two weeks ago.

Because I am in a Port-ah-bluh, I had to wait a bit longer for the thing to arrive. (All those lucky teachers who don't need to wait for the school to show up to get their keys. . . )

When I got into my room I saw the following:

Ten student desks
A teacher desk (locked)
A table
Two filing cabinets (one large, one small and still containing contents from previous owner.)
Three chairs
One flag
One cart for notebooks
A few random metal planks or . . . slabs or. . . things. Couldn't begin to tell you what they're for.

I came back a few days later and saw nothing had changed. I was leaving on a vacation with the family in a few days, though, and needed to do something to the place, so I brought in some supplies, hung up some posters, cloroxed the teacher desk, and put the student desks more or less where I wanted them to begin the rows.

Fast forward a week and the room looked identical with one notable exception:

Tall filing cabinet: missing.

This is a problem. I started thinking that I'd have to bring in blankets for some kind of picnic on the first day of school and imagined some very neat (if conspicuous) piles of paper for myself against the back wall in lieu of a cabinet.

After talking to the custodial staff, I managed to acquire the following:

A new teacher desk (containing two boxes of red pens and several loose DVDs left by the previous owner including Finding Nemo and Ice Age 2. Finders keepers?)
Keys for the new desk (phew.)
A clock for the wall (phew.)
35 student desks
One less chair (didn't need it anyway)
A new large filing cabinet that does not have bars tall enough for hanging folders.
Three new stress zits of the deep seeded and painful kind. Annoying.

The large filing cabinet's malfunction is probably the biggest frustration now (aside from the facial deforming), but I don't have the heart to tell the custodians who went well out of their way to rescue the discard for me to use that the discard is likely to take up more space than it is going to be useful, but maybe I can find a way to make use of it. It can be like an extra chest of drawers for my clothes. A storage chest for the air mattress I mean to sleep on during my planning periods (kidding?). An impromptu cooler for a case of caffeinated beverages. A punishment tool of some kind?

Any other suggestions?

The Kingdom of Port-ah-bluh

2009-08-12T20:53:00.004-06:00

I was assigned a portable classroom this year.

You know, the ones that look like a shed and smell a bit odd.

We've had several beginning of year orientation meetings to prepare for the storm of next week when we are taken over by teenagers, and every time we are reminded that we should not be "teaching in a one room schoolhouse" I kind of want to raise my hand and say ". . . but I am in a one room school house."

This portable classroom thing came as a bit of a surprise. In an attempt not to sink into some kind of depressed/annoyed fit over the whole thing, I started trying to come up with names for said shed. Some of the ideas I had involved "The Room of Requirement" and "The Dungeon" in keeping with my theme for the year. I decided, as funny as "The Dungeon" might seem to me, it might not be the best idea for a bunch of thirteen-year-olds in a conservative community. Then, in true Hyacinth Bucket (Boo-kay) fashion (re: Keeping Up Appearances), I decided it would be funny to try and call the place the "Kingdom of Portable" only to pronounce "Portable" like "Por-tah-bluh."

I don't think it will work.

Especially when these sheds are given room numbers that shorten "Portable" to "P(#)." I have a feeling that no boy in the room is going to prefer my incredibly witty title to something that allows them to say something that could even be remotely considered inappropriate. . .

Explanation and Introduction

2009-08-12T20:21:00.000-06:00

In the 1987 film Anne of Avonlea, new teacher Anne is confronted with a very large problem: a town composed almost entirely of one family that rules the roost. The Pringles. They are bitter against her because she got the job one of their own also applied for. At one point about half way through the film, they attempt to sabotage Anne by making all sorts of claims on her "poor teaching." One such claim is as follows:

ANNE: What sorts of things are being said?

MISS STACEY: Well. Hattie Pringle: you are accused of marking down her papers just because she is a Pringle. Here you are said to laugh at the students when they make mistakes.

ANNE: What?! Well, alright, I did laugh when Myra Pringle defined an alligator as a large kind of insect. I couldn't help myself!

That, in a nutshell, defines both the title of this blog and introduces the purpose of it as well. Teaching is hard. Complaining is easy. Kids are funny, and we would all do well to step back and laugh at the funny things we hear or do throughout the day.

Are you ready to begin?

I am.